I am no stranger to dealing with loses. Being the youngest in the family makes this a certainty. As you could expect of someone my age I have had lots of loses under my belt. Like most of us, I have lost my grandparents and my parents. After those expected losses, each new loss leaves me devastated because it leaves me closer to being alone in this world..
Survivors Guilt
According to Wikipedia: “Survivors Guilt/Syndrome is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.”
Friends That Were Like Son’s
Some deaths are more profound than others. When my son lost a good friend to a drunk driver, it was a devastating loss for his entire family as well as our own. He was so young and such a great guy. My heart was broken and we continually question why he was taken. He should not have died that day.
Sisters, Nephews and Cousins
I lost my sister to the same disease I suffer from and 2 nephew’s from my immediate family. It is very hard to say goodbye when someone is younger and seems healthier. They were taken too soon and too suddenly. So it was when my cousin passed away. She was one of the cousin’s that shaped my childhood, my teens, my married years. She left behind a devastated husband, 3 children and 3 grandchildren that needed their mother and grandmother.
Work Colleagues
Loosing 3 colleagues in the span of a year was a tough one. Two died due to pancreatic cancer and another to lung cancer. They fought and lost their battles too soon. It was a tough adjustment and hard for me to return to work after losing them. Their absence was palpable.
Angels
In my mind’s eye, each one of these people are my angels. They are the ones who had their hands on my shoulder saying, “Barbara, you’ve got this.” I think of them often and I am aware of what a gift this life would have been for them, and what they would have given to have the time I have.
Stunned
I cannot shake this profound sadness I feel when thinking of all the people who have passed away. It makes me wonder again why I am the one that was saved. Seeing this time as bonus that was not for me but meant to serve others. I have no special talents, no special powers. So why did I get saved when others didn’t? I do not even have a hint of what I should be accomplishing, so I am stymied.
Barbara, I truly understand your survivors guilt. In October 2016 I had a heart attack and 2 sudden cardiac arrests after a flight from California to Tennessee. I was in a medically induced coma for 5 weeks and 1 week in rehab. Then flew home escorted by my husband and son. It has been a little over a year with struggles, surgery to implant a defibulator/pacemaker, six months of cardiac arrest, and major changes to my lifestyle.
I too wonder about survival when so many have passed unexpectedly with different diseases, accidents, war, etc. Starting with my son, then my first husband, onto my parents, and my younger brother, as well as other relatives and friends. Each of them have been loved beyond belief by myself and others and each contributing to life in ways I could never dream of or offer. I have been a mother, wife, daughter, and sister respectively to each of them. I’ve loved, laughed, cried, celebrated, hugged, and felt blessed by each of them.
I wondered when I lost each of them why. Why them and not me? I still wonder even now as I have faced death and move through life. Why them and not me? What can I contribute as a 69 year old woman that they could not contribute if they would have lived. I don’t know and have reflected on it many times.
I look to honor them and their memory. When I am lost and afraid, I feel them surrounding me. I find little reminders of each of them-a small feather to remind me of my youngest son, a hug from a stranger to remind me of my husband, a smile from my oldest son, my grand daughter, and my two great grandchildren to remind me of my parents, and something to make me laugh about frustrations in life to remind me of my little brother. Maybe that’s why I’m still here to keep them alive with love and stories that tells of their contributions to life .
Barbara, you have a purpose. Just be the good person that you are. I understand, even though I haven’t experienced the life threatening moments that you have. I have lost many family members and a couple of very special friends. I feel my guardian angels everyday looking out for me. They make sure I’m okay. This family of mine seems to need me for many things so I guess that’s my purpose.