I am no stranger to dealing with loses. Being the youngest in the family makes this a certainty. As you could expect of someone my age I have had lots of loses under my belt. Like most of us, I have lost my grandparents and my parents. After those expected losses, each new loss leaves me devastated because it leaves me closer to being alone in this world..
According to Wikipedia: “Survivors Guilt/Syndrome is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.”
Friends That Were Like Son’s
Some deaths are more profound than others. When my son lost a good friend to a drunk driver, it was a devastating loss for his entire family as well as our own. He was so young and such a great guy. My heart was broken and we continually question why he was taken. He should not have died that day.
Sisters, Nephews and Cousins
I lost my sister to the same disease I suffer from and 2 nephew’s from my immediate family. It is very hard to say goodbye when someone is younger and seems healthier. They were taken too soon and too suddenly. So it was when my cousin passed away. She was one of the cousin’s that shaped my childhood, my teens, my married years. She left behind a devastated husband, 3 children and 3 grandchildren that needed their mother and grandmother.
Loosing 3 colleagues in the span of a year was a tough one. Two died due to pancreatic cancer and another to lung cancer. They fought and lost their battles too soon. It was a tough adjustment and hard for me to return to work after losing them. Their absence was palpable.
In my mind’s eye, each one of these people are my angels. They are the ones who had their hands on my shoulder saying, “Barbara, you’ve got this.” I think of them often and I am aware of what a gift this life would have been for them, and what they would have given to have the time I have.
I cannot shake this profound sadness I feel when thinking of all the people who have passed away. It makes me wonder again why I am the one that was saved. Seeing this time as bonus that was not for me but meant to serve others. I have no special talents, no special powers. So why did I get saved when others didn’t? I do not even have a hint of what I should be accomplishing, so I am stymied.