The reality of what is left of my life is slowly sinking in, and I mourn my past and my future.

When I first diagnosed with COPD I thought that was as bad as it could get. I was given additional puffers and sent to a specialist.

Three months later when I had my first Sudden Cardiac Event, I thought that was as bad as it could get. I attended Pulmonary Rehab and I innocently thought that after that I would go back to my old life and pick up where I left off.

When I had my second Sudden Cardiac Event 6 months later, I thought that was as bad as it could get and I had a ICD (Internal Cardiac Defibrillator) implanted. I thought after that I would go back to my old life and I would pick up where I left off.

I went back to my old life and tried my hardest to pick up where I left off.

With a brave face and with my daughters encouragement I walked into work with my walker amid OOOH’s and AWWWH’s and just never acknowledged it or allowed any negative comments on it. I am sure that many did not understand but nothing was ever said to me. I thought that was as bad as it could get.

I did the best that I could and pushed ahead with my agenda. I wanted to work again. I loved my job and I was happy with my life as a career woman. The days and the pays became shorter as I could no longer work full-time, and so part-time was my only choice. Then I started to realise that getting up in the morning was getting harder and harder on me so I started to work in the afternoons instead.  I thought that was as bad as it could get.

Still it was a tough schedule and by the fall of last year I began to need Oxygen to get to work and back. I didn’t like taking it or using it at work and I was sensitive to what people thought but without my oxygen I was going to have a harder time getting through the day. That was as bad as it could get, I was sure.

Getting to and from work started to become a problem too. Working afternoons would see me getting home at 6:00pm but because I was sleeping later in the morning, I had more to do at night and so I began to feel a little more stressed.  I was sure that was as bad as it could get.

Then in November I had my 3rd Sudden Cardiac Event while on my way to work. Good thing I was not driving. I transported by ambulance to hospital and was a guest of theirs for a week.   I was this sure was as bad as it could get.

While recovering from my November attack, again on New Year’s Eve I had another attack and the news upon recovery was as bad as it could get.

COPD had caused damage to the right side of my heart and there is nothing that doctors can do for me. There are meds that can control some of the symptoms but there is no surgery or long-lasting fix. This is as bad as it could get, for sure.

Each time I think that my health is as bad as it could get, my health gets a little worse. My symptoms get worse and with that my state of mind definitely gets worse.

I start to think of all the bad things that can and will happen, how much more severe my symptoms are, how very sick I am and what will come next. I wonder how much sicker I can get but I am in no hurry to really find out. I thought things were as bad as it could get but I was so wrong.

I am mourning my lost life and wishing that things were different.

I want a do over.

I want to go back and prevent this illness from happening.

I want to manage it better than I did when I first found out about it.

I want to prevent any more damage as I go through therapy, and I want my life back.

I want to go back to work, and hold my grandson and babysit without needing a babysitter of my own.

I want, I want, I want………